It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
