Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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