My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
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