my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Randomize
