Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
