do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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