Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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