I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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