there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
