I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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