living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Randomize
