My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
