I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Randomize
