I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
