It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
