i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
i need some magic done to my vagina
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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