At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
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I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize