Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
