Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
