when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Randomize
