I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize