Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Oh god it's open bar.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
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