So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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