Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
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