I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
