my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
