i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
