so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Randomize
