this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
