i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
