Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
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