I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
