drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
