Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
