My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
