distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
