I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
