sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
i just sent this text using only my big toe
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
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i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
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Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀