Im at strip club and am horny
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I said "one day" and that day is not today
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
