Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
My underwear smells like fireworks.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
