If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
