I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
