I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
