When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
