I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
no
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Randomize
