I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Randomize
