So drunk, too bad you don't want this
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
