He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
