i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
