I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
