Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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