The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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