I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
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I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
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Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
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