omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
