mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
