Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
