when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
