I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
